Today I fucked up : by setting my backyard on fire

In hindsight, this was incredibly avoidable had I thought through exactly what I was doing.

Today, my dad and I were outside cleaning up weeds in the backyard. A while back, he had purchased this modified blow torch meant for killing weeds..Anyway, both of us get tired of pulling the weeds manually so naturally we go pull out the torch and fire it up.

Big mistake.

Both of us had completely forgotten that all of our garden hoses were stored away and the outdoor taps turned off (with 32 degree nights still common we leave them off the avoid pipe bursts). The moment we started burning we realized what a mistake we had made. The fire began to spread rapidly and we had no choice but to stomp it out with our feet. After about 30 minutes, we managed to stomp all of it out. The soles of my shoes had been horribly melted and nearly 1/4 of our lawn was reduced to a fine, black powder.

Today I fucked up : by eating a strange substance out of the garbage

So, I live with two roommates, they're Indonesian brothers and I'm Australian (we live in Canada). They're mum has been staying with us the past week, visiting from Indonesia. With her she brought a shit tonne of my absolute favourite chocolate, KitKats.

But these aren't just your regular, run-of-the-mill KitKats, she brought exotic flavours ranging from the subtle creaminess of cheesecake KitKat to the rich tang of Shinshu Apple. Now, obviously these KitKats aren't mine to enjoy but I am somewhat of a KitKat Connoisseur and having the temptation of creamy chocolate with a crunchy texture - which imo is more satisfying than a good fuck - in the house is bloody torture.

So being the morally depraved and scheming individual that I am, I decided that if one KitKat was missing they would not notice. I mean, surely if the mum saw she would think it was either of her two sons. So I crept to the fridge while they were upstairs asleep, slinking by without sound, with such technique that even cat woman would be applauding in admiration, I made my way to the fridge.

I gripped the door and pulled it open, the refreshing cold and the dull yellow light of the fridge surrounding me. As if to invite me further into its depths. I reached in and pulled out the white box which held the cheesecake KitKats. Delicately and painstakingly opening it and pulling from within a glorious creation of man. The cheesecake KitKat now safely in my hands I replaced the box in its exact position and shut the fridge door. I slowly unwrapped the KitKat, savouring the sight of its smooth creamy nakedness.

Unable to control myself, I ripped off the rest of its wrapping and pushed the chocolate into my mouth. As soon as it's cold chocolate taste hit my tongue, goosebumps were sent traveling down my body. The first bite could only be described as pure, unviolated ecstasy. I needed to bury the evidence, however, so while I was busy slowly chewing the KitKat and savouring it's delicious taste, I reached into the garbage bin and buried the wrapper under some of the rubbish inside.

I withdrew my hand and went back to watching Netflix upstairs. I was distracted by the taste of the KitKat and my show (Been watching Rapture, great series so far, definitely recommend) but it came to my attention there was a strange white cream on my finger.

I studied it, it looked like melted cheesecake KitKat. I sniffed at it and no foul odour assaulted my senses so I thought all was well, just a bit of KitKat residue.

So naturally, I licked it...

Immediately I knew this was not the remnants of the KitKat I had so sinfully stolen. This was something else altogether. It had this strange taste, like slightly off milk. Not unpleasant but certainly not good either. My brow furrowed in confusion as I tried to puzzle out what it was I had just so hastily licked. Than it hit me, this was the hand I had plunged into the rubbish to hide the evidence of my crime.

I ran to the bathroom and began to claw at my tongue, throwing water down my throat and hawking up spit from as far back as I could manage.

I still have no clue what the fuck I just ate, but there is no doubt in my mind that it was NOT meant to be consumed considering it was in the garbage bin.

Hopefully my health remains unscathed.

Today I fucked up : by locking my car the way I usually do

I finished a long day of work, and got into my car. try start the car, and nothing - battery is flat. that is fine, someone will have jumper cables, I'll be on my merry way. get out of the car and shut the door.

 my car is older, so you need to push down the lock switch then hold the handle open in order to lock the door. I do this automatically. I had locked my car keys in the car. I find a co-worker and we try to open my door using a thin bit of metal. no luck. I get a lift home (I live fairly close). 

I totally have a spare key somewhere! I'll get a lift back to work with my mum and she can jump-start my car and we'll be good! key is nowhere to be found. mum starts to drive me back to work nonetheless, I brought an old wire clothes hanger with me. cops pull my mum over on the way. turns out she has forgotten to pay her rego, will be fined, and needs to immediately go back home. I am dropped 2km from work. at this point I am cold, tired and walking all angry back to work with a dishevelled piece of clothes hanger. still no luck breaking into my car. call a locksmith - they cancel on me. after about an hour finally find someone who will come out at 8pm and they save the day, unlock my car and jump-start. it was not cheap.

I am now very conscious of taking my key out of the ignition.

My car battery ran flat, I locked my keys in the car, could not find spare and ended up waiting for over an hour for an expensive locksmith.